24, living in Welshland.
Studying Psychology and Anthropology.
Hope to combine my love of psychology with my love of water and sailing.
Interested in photography and sketching, with a particular love of landscape, tattoos and manga.
Faerie Evolution under the sign of frozen fire.
“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do.
So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails.
Explore. Dream. Discover.”
One exam left, two days left.
Pretty soon the Irish adventure and a summer of most excellent plans starts.
I hate this house.
and the person I most miss from this house when they are away.
As i wake this morning, it is with a shadow over me.
The pressure felt by the knowledge of letting someone down, of being a disappointment, for a time is all consuming and I find myself needing to summon the energy from something beyond myself to be able to get up and start the day.
At a time when excitement should be at an all time high, all I feel right now is dread and sadness. The ending of things has always had this affect on me, whether they have been particularly positive or not. It is especially sad once the end is near to then have to come to the realization and the acceptance that the dreams you had will not come true, may never have come true, and that the bird has flown the nest. Wishing, never did change a thing.
So much of this past year has been filled with this kind of shadow, only it has been deeper, darker, thicker, a cloud with such density and such weight that the colour drained from the world around me and I could only see things on a gray scale. Mentally punishing myself for my own existence was the only way I could start the year and in symmetry it seems, its the way I must acknowledge the end of the year, albeit briefly, since I am filled with a horrific amount of ‘if only’s’ under the responsibility of what has come to pass.
Thankfully despite this horrific nostalgia back to a time when I did not know myself, I find that the shadow demon no longer has the hold on my mind that he once had. No longer will I be overcome by hysteria, silent tears and silent screaming. My mind has found the sun, colour has returned and it is being nourished. In the warmth and glow of this light I am building myself a life full of the experiences that I dream of, whilst fearing whether I am up to the challenge, I am determined to be.
Although I dreamt of a very different life this year and I feel sadness and disappointment for letting the people I care about down, it is with relief that I close this Pandora’s Box of Shadows, which sprung open with neither my consent nor even my awareness, breaking so early that which has not yet been formed.
Looking to the future, which I certainly believe to be bright (but hopefully not orange) I can retain a kind of hope. Since i came through this period of darkness, I have learnt how to acknowledge the shadows but place them back in the box where they belong. It was not without significant damage, if only it had occurred in complete isolation maybe things would have been very different, but it has brought this realization to me;
I am strong.
Facing the world in all its wonderful technicolour is much more inviting then living under the false comfort of the shadow demon and if he should rear his monstrous and oblivious head again in the future, I know I will make it through and return him to Pandora’s care.
With one last glance inward toward the mahogany box with golden hinges, admiring the filigree ornamentation and crimson velvet inlay, I gently tuck away the last slithering wisp of depression and close the lid with a gentle thud.
Light rushes in to fill and cleanse the space that the darkness had once possessed.
Mikael. Yes. I. Would.